Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Testimony

The Stables Ministries"
My Testimony
That fateful night back on January 27, 1974 at 9:30 PM at Hawthorne Memorial Hall in Hawthorne California at a Doug Clark's "Amazing Prophecies Rally" changed my life forever.
I considered myself an atheist of atheists.

I began writing Saturday, October 18, 1997
first rough draft, 2nd editing Wednesday Feb. 19, 2003

Summary leading up to why I am writing my testimony now.
Up till now I have not really sat down to writ my testimony. I have always included parts of it in all my other writings. I have long studied the ex-gay movement and seen it dismal failures in spite of their claims to success and the reports from their claims from expert studies claiming the opposite. This past few weeks after again reviewing on-line ex-gay ministry information I came across a Stephen Black who practically called me a liar that I did not know what I was talking about concerning the founders of Exodus International. I did in fact know what I was talking about and sent him detailed e-mail showing him facts concerning the founders. He was adamant that he has been delivered and is now straight. I explained to him that I could easily guess what his testimony would say because of all the research I have had in the past. He told me he would send his testimony to me. He never did, but I found it by accident while searching for more about the ex-gay ministries. He is vice president of First Stone ministry where a link to his testimony is found. I was indeed right in my prediction of his testimony. This led me to further research ex-gay founder’s testimonies on line.

Exodus is so good to offer links to all the Ex-gay ministries associated with them. Many have their founder’s testimony on-line. I read through these one by one. The more I read the more pathetically clear it became as to the fact that they simply had no testimony of deliverance let alone a real foundation to base being set free of homosexuality as they wished. Never once did they say they made any attempt what so ever to check out the verses used to condemn gays. The current Executive Director of Exodus never even got close enough to a man to touch him and as usual told a pastor and was pointed to an ex-gay ministry shortly after he saw a woman he liked and married her. He had sex with women before claiming it was his attempt to be straight without help. All these men and women had very guilt ridden lives starting at around 5 years old. There lives indicate they were very sick and needed a therapist and yet these instead quickly became leaders in the ex-gay community.

You can find a large number of straights going through a carbon copy of these people and not becoming gay, but indeed need a therapist to help undo their guilt ridden mind. After reading these testimonies and in general seeing how those thinking gay is sin never ask a gay person for their testimonies with there only response to gays is it is sin and begin quoting some of the 13 verses used to condemn gays and then throw in verses that speak to all people to show how evil gays are I decided to write my testimony to show that Jesus is indeed with gay people and not asking them to change and be straight, because there is nothing to change concerning their orientation except standard universal sins of humankind (Rom 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; (KJV)

I have found that these same Christians reject anything a gay person says concerning their closeness with the Lord. They just can't stand to check out gay testimonies. They never allow gays to give account of their faith in Christ Jesus in their churches or anywhere that they are in charge. The fact is if a person really is a Christian then their lives will be filled with testimony that follows accepting Jesus as Lord. Their lives will be changed and in the same ways straights that have accepted Jesus into their lives are changed and grow in the Lord so gays grow and their walk can't be undone by a future statement by someone that wishes gay to be sin. It is a wish, a desire, that gay is sin by many and they use the Bible as their club to cause harm in the name of love and Jesus Christ. There is another side of the story. You have brothers and sister you thought were dead in sin. I give them back to you alive and strong in Christ Jesus.

My Testimony

That fateful night back on January 27, 1974 at 9:45 PM at Hawthorne Memorial Hall in Hawthorne California at a Doug Clark's "Amazing Prophecies Rally" changed my life forever. I considered myself an atheist of atheists and came to an end this fateful night.

Chapter 1 Childhood

Born in Jan 1947, I come from a family of six. Mom, Dad, a brother, and two sisters. I am a year older than my brother, two years older than my younger sister, and five years younger than my old sister. I can remember things back as young as three, based on my mom's recollection of the time I told her about how my brother and I played near my dad's work while mom was waiting to pick him up as he often would be delivering late as a Sears Truck driver. We went to a church near by and I can recall some stories about Jesus, and going out Christmas caroling to needy folks homes.

At around 5 years old I was trying to make a hole in a turtle shell as during this time this is how you kept turtles for pets, kind of on a leash. I had an awful time hitting a nail to poke a hole through the shell and kept hitting my thumb. The pain was great and I prayed to God to help me hit the nail. I still hit my thumb again. So, I stood up and said, "There must be no God" I further stated to my self that somehow someway all things can be proven scientifically and some day can be done. That every matter of events past, present or future had a science based answer. I never told anyone I became an atheist that day. Looking back, it is interesting that as strongly as I believed there was no God that now I believe there is. These set of 4 pictures are from about age 5 – 8 years old.
I never got to tell anyone this at all. Our family had what is the usual problems families have, but generally day went by with little events. I thought my dad was somewhat strict, but I sure did a lot. I really do not believe today I would allow a son of mine to go hiking or bike riding and gone all day at age 6 thru 8 but my brother, cousin, and I did this a lot. We had a mountain some five miles away which we walked to and hiked it. It was not just some small hill and rattle snake were abundant. My memories thru age 8 are of a fairly routine life. Over all I did not much like my dad, but still had great times with him. He took me fishing many times, which I liked, and he taught us how to hunt rabbits and quail. I was in school a year a head of kids my age because my birthday fell in January. I had some close friends during this time too.

Nothing very unusual in my recollection of these years. Sex was not too meaningful to me. Both me and my brother thought we hated out little sister. We were told that one day this will pass and it did. I of course assumed that when I grow up I would get married and have children. I did know that I especially liked a boy in 2nd grade named Junior. I remember the feeling today, but then I just wanted him as a friend which he was. He was a Mexican American. I had no idea that this was really important attracting part of him to me as I found a couple decades later. The town of my young years was very small with lots of orange groves all around which was a constant source of fun and heh heh treats. Over all through age 8 in hind sight were not very unusual, but very average all American childhood, love family picnics, had a very close and numerous relatives to visit, cousins, aunt & uncles.
At eight we move to town. Our family never missed a year of a two week camping trip. We all loved camping and my brother and I did begin to like our little sister. We were allowed to hike far from camp alone. It was extra neat because for several years another family from another part of the state camped at the same place at the same time we did (we had a favorite lake, though we camped many different places this lake was the most frequent). Their kids were all our ages and so we had a great deal of fun. My brother and I, and my cousin (my age) began stealing things like candy and sometimes things for are aquarium and fishing equipment. It was never really serous in our minds. We got our little sister involved once. Once we almost got more serious and were going to steal money from a gas station. We thought they just leave their money box outside (they used to have that in those days) but they take it in when closed. So when we sneaked out and saw it not there that ended that, we figured that is what they do so we won't try further. One day my cousin got caught and this scared me so much that I never could steal again. He was just scolded and he never told on us. This ended our thievery days, probably a year worth of time once in a while. Other than that we were pretty decent kids. I really loved moving to the new house when was 8 yrs old and I lived till I moved out after graduating high school.

In fifth grade the teacher showed a film condemning gays. I don't remember any word used except perverts in the film. It showed a family at the park having a picnic, then a man nearby went to the restroom. Another man went in too. This was while the family watched from a distance. Inside the restroom the men sat in separate stalls. One man tapped a code with his foot, the other man tapped in reply. This meant they agreed to something perverted as sort of something of a general coded message these perverts use. So they got up to leave and when the first man came out of his stall handcuffs were put on him as the other man was a police man. The family watched as he was brought out of the restroom and put in a police car. This was the rendering in 1956-57 that gay was sin and perverted. It had no meaning except don't be a pervert. The same class had a film on cleaning your body and the human body. They showed a film of a boy and a girl naked standing as a narrator spoke explaining the body parts and hygiene. They showed the boy washing himself emphasizing how to clean private parts. It was done in good taste and very non offensive. I liked the boy much better than the girl, but didn't much care.
I didn't like girls much, but no one else (boys) really did either. I was liked by some girls because I let them win in tether ball. I liked sports to some degree. I was getting too many Ds but passing in fifth grade and so it was decided to hold me back, kind of to get me in with kids my own age. During that year one boy took a disliking to me for some unknown reason. He also became friends with two of my friends and turned them against me. They beat me in the back sometimes. I didn't believe in fight and never fought back. So I really hated to go to school. But still thing were generally never to serious. Through elementary school my life over all was pretty average again. I had several friends and over these years I really could not see a great deal of difference in growing up with my family and other peers. As I grew up and began in earnest to learn the truth about gays and the Bible and reviewing my childhood, I just flat out can not find straight people and gay people having much difference in growing up. They have a great deal problems and a great deal of exciting wonderful adventurous times too. Parents can be very strict or the opposite. Having both parents and just one does not make a difference whether one is straight or gay. By the time I was about to enter Junior high school I had come to think there was something different about me, but I could not understand what it was and didn’t really care anyway, life was fun at times and not so fun at times. General impression about love was that old thing we were always told, we will grow up and get married and have children. And that is what I believed up into military service.

Finally Junior High school. And also some interest in the sexual part of me. Now there were school dances. I had my cousin teach me to slow dance. Some girl asked me to dance and it was great. Later, I knew it was not the girl that was great, but the dancing that I loved. I went to many dances and never danced just had a good time away from parents with friends enjoying being at the dance. This was just to get out with friends to horse around together at the dances. As these junior high years were passing by I kept hearing strange words from friends about having a heavy chest. I had no idea what they were talking about, except it had to do with how girls made them feel. Finally I learned it meant they were horny. I never felt that so I thought something must be wrong with me or I am just to shy to pursue this issue with girls. However, at times I would see a boy which made me feel mushy inside which I interpreted as just wanting him to be a close friend. Generally all these things never caused much concern for me, life seem fairly good and very little cares. My 25 cents a week allowance kept me in Ice Cream Sandwiches and chocolate bar donates what else could I want in life. My cousin was my best friend a we did tons together and another guy who sat in front of me in several classes junior high through high school became great friends. These set of 4 pictures are from about age 9 – 13 years old.
The bully one day was a lone riding his bike while I was coming home from school. He stops to try to pick his usual fight with me. Since he had none of his buddies with him this time, I decided not to take his bullying anymore and fight him. I got him quickly into a hold he could not get out of so easily that he quickly gave up and left with out a word. The weird thing is that after that he was rather friendly even asking for my help in class. I had one other fight against someone 2 grades up and won that one too and ended their bullying me too. It never made sense to me why fighting makes an enemy act like your friend from then on. I just hated violence with a passion. I was really good at talking people out of fighting and calming them down. Junior High was of course got me to like rock and roll which really became a thing as I entered high school

Moving onto High School I stopped going to dances there just wasn't any motivation and a friend from Junior High was in a few of my classes then and still was in high school (his last name began with an “A” like mine so we were assigned seats right together) had replaced my cousin who began hanging out with a bad crowd. I shied away wanting no part as he became more involved with their drugs. This replacement made the transition very smooth and by 11th grade we I had a car and he used his family cars. This opened a great new world of adventure all over the southern California area and even Mexico which was not far off. We got into drinking each weekend and driving everywhere just having a good time. My hometown had two excellent radio stations and though there were some bad times they seemed dwarfed by the general carefree life we had. We had really no cares. These radio stations were like competitors for the areas youth listening audience. It was a time of the 60s and all the famous groups were singing their hits for the first time. It was heaven on earth. The future to far away to think about. I was happy with my understanding of life which I really love looking into. I watched and read many things about how the Earth evolved and I loved science fiction books and science fact. I had developed my own theories of life and things to explain there is no God. I was still sent to Sunday school thru Junior High. My parents really didn't show their religious beliefs much though my mom went to church while we were in Sunday school. I remember stories about Moses, but never on why Jesus came. And I never cared to read the Bible to find that out. Life was good and full of potential I was soon to go out to freedom in the world too and began rebelling against my parents rules I must have been a terror to them at times when actually I was going through a time of wanting respect as an adult would have and want to be my own boss. So high I began making my own decision one was to quit Sunday. My brother and I would be dropped off at Sunday and we would promptly head for town and make it back in time to be pick up and finally during High School years I just said no more Sunday school, I had grown enough that I would not tolerate rules that kept me from doing what I wanted to do.

I graduated early (1 semester) because I had all my credits and I generally had a perfect school attendance record and chose classes that happily added up all needed credits to graduate. I worked at a restaurant part time and moved away from home before finishing 12th grade. I wanted my own life and living at home seemed to restrict my freedom I thought. I shared a place for 2 weeks with a fellow employee and he partied and gambled with his friends late into the night and I had to get up early to go to school. (These were straights guys,) so I finally said this won't do and moved into my own apartment. I would not move back home the freedom was great.
The new apartment was perfect. My $50.00 a week salary was plenty. My life seemed generally carefree and I had plenty of company. There were two women teachers living together just next door to me. Once we joined together for a two apartment party and WOW did people come. The poor landlord kept peeking out his window seeming nervous. Everyone just had fun and partied and drank. That night just me and my cousin were left. He was in bed with one of them & I the other. She was very drunk. I away could drink tons and had little problem. We were kissing, it felt strange, like kissing my sister, but I just figure this was just awkward because it my first time. She past out and I stopped, thinking I will not do anything (with some idea I was a good guy and won't abuse her while she slept.) I was not aroused at any point anyway. The next day another girl was at my apartment with a boy they were asking to use my bed. He was in the bathroom and she came up close to me in a sexual way and I just stood fell extremely awkward not knowing what to do. . So I did nothing, blaming it on shyness. That was pretty much my brushes with sex through school. I good part of my life then was the weekends go out driving and drinking with my high school buddy (I stopped drinking in 74’ and many decades later I still have a problem with the way people assign the term alcoholics to people. It is 90% cop out I think based on a few people that really got problems. Billions of people have been drinking in this world with out much problems, it is the few people though it sounds like a lot that have the problems, having said that I would not recommend drinking even a drop of alcohol. But that real life should always be kept in perspective to all of human existence on Earth and not because we have cars that will kill people if the driver is drunk. People condemn things that they do not understand based on personal experience that is devastating to them or because all their knowledge is conditional reflexes are done with interviews of sick people with true alcoholism which is not alcoholism but sensitivity to additions.) My week ends during these years, though I would not recommend at all to anyone even though I experienced only adventure (decent adventure) and saw the world extended out from my home town and saw the world or places and people and sights while in the company of a friend that also really had no cares or hang-ups to get in the way of a lifetime remembrance of good memories in my teen years. He though grew more interested in girls and brought into the picture some porn and later a few topless bars and even the potential of getting prostitutes (in Mexico) I had to do a lot of quick thinking to get out of that predicament. However, that same night as we drove around that Mexico town I saw what was the most exciting and trilling thing I ever saw in my life. Two guys were along a side street, I was lucky to notice, they were holding each other intimately hugging and kissing and both very good looking to me. My buddy did not see them as he was driving, but I new that is what I wanted to meet someone like that to love. That view only lasted a minute but it is a lifetime memory of a first time seeing two guys together like that.
Well I had graduated and gotten a better job. I continue with my high school buddy on drinking week ends. It was the life of Reilly, continued no cares, my own life and it was fun to drive all over the place drinking. We never had a problem (I don't support this kind of life, we must have been the luckiest people in the world that drinking never cause a problem) I did however, wish to meet a girl (not because of attraction, but because you are supposed to grow up and get married and I loved the idea of a marriage of two people in love with each other).
I made arrangement with my sister in-law to set me up with someone. She did. We double dated and had a good time because the romantic part was not there yet. That date ended, which was an otherwise good date, she was very good looking, and it came to an end with saying good night. As I took her to the door, again I did not know what to do. Should I kiss her, was that what she expected or wanted, I did not want to and did not desire that? I just said good-bye. I blamed it on my shyness and the first date is just awkward anyway, I certainly had no inside feelings to pursue sex. I had read some books that graphically described how women felt in their hot passions and dating. So did my peers who are straight. I had fantasized meeting the opposite sex many times to fall in love and marry, but sex was not very much a part of it. I was more interested in thinking about adventure and what makes the universe tick and a companion to share these adventures in life and so getting married would be getting such a companion as my thinking was then sex I liked of course and assumed with the right person or after the right amount of time to get over my shyness then that would be great too.

When I got drafted and had then decided to join the Air Force instead and was going to pick up my test results I ask my best friend from school who still was my drinking buddy to help me move my stuff home and so he went with to the recruiting station. He was then talked into by the officer to join to on the buddy plan. He did to his parent’s dismay, but it was neat for me and off to boot camp we went. He ended up downstairs so we saw little of each other, but I met another friend which went to tech school with me after boot camp. We had lots of fun at tech school (and fun in the military always usually meant drinking) and so my life was still filled with friends without women. From there I was stationed one hour drive from home. A few others I have met in the service went there too. For six months it was a pretty good life.
This was a base called the gateway to Vietnam. Everyone expected to go. However, someone got sick that had orders for Thailand & the Commander came and asked me if I would take his place. So Thailand I went. A new best friend from that base came with me. Now, I didn't know this would be the best experience of my life to be in Thailand. I arrived to eat RICE at the base dining hall for my first meal there and thought this is the food for the next year. It wasn't and the food on base was fabulous. The work there was easy and even fun. They required us to wear civilian clothes off base, and to my surprise I loved Thai men. They were gorgeous.

The first time I went to work I was assigned to inspect bombs as they were brought into the bomb dump. That first night of work brought the most beautiful greeting and smile for me from the most gorgeous man I ever seen. We had an immediate friendship develop. There were nearly 200 Thai men working in the Bomb dump in our squadron alone and I came to be friends with most of them. Often when leaving the base for town it would match up with the time our Thai workers were coming or going to or from work and made the Air Police concerned for my safety. They got off the bus as I would be walking off base and they would come over to me hitting and punching me. This was in friendship and love. For the next year I was in paradise, but I could not touch them sexually because of fear that I would be dishonorably discharged. I was not sure I was gay, but I sure knew I loved to talk with these Thai men and would love to touch them and have sex with them and kiss them (well at least the ones that I thought were cute). I hung out with them and made many friends I never felt so loved and it was hard to understand their attraction to me. There were many white Americans around, but I enjoyed the attention and to this day I treasure that year as the most memorial and rewarding time of my life.

One friend from the base I came from before going to Thailand always went out to town with a group of Thais. Once though in still trying to figure my sexual identity I ask my American friend let go to a prostitute. Only $2. 50 for the decent ones and we had good directions, so we went. I could not get interested and told her I was drunk, not having even a sip. It was interesting , just afterwards we were warned that a gang of Thais were coming and they might be ones that would hurt us. It after all was dangerous times in that part of the world. So, I found my friend and told him the warning and then they came. 20 or 30 of them. Right away they got the biggest smiles on their faces when they saw us because we both were popular with the Thais and we knew most of them. They heard the story of the warning and said they would protect us no matter what. I tell you for an atheist I sure was blessed all my life and this is just one more incident.
Life was great that year and once my best Thai friend ask if he could have sex with me. I loved the idea secretly, but all that came out was "what?" He quickly said "no problem, just kidding" Oh, how I wanted to, but it was clear in the military what could happen. This guy and me went in a prostitute place and he wanted sex with one. I said I did not, but he went a head had did it while I waited. I felt very strange there, not because its immoral, but because the women were there for sex and I felt far from wanting it with them. I continued blaming this on I was too shy. I met another Thai man, he was so special, to this day I still think of him in a most special way. He had such a sweet personality and expressed such caring attitude towards me. He just could not keep his hands off me and wanted to hold my hands all this time. I was so fearful if others saw, but wanted him to continue at the same time. I told, GI's don't like this so be more careful. One day at his small loosely boarded one room apt. while I was visiting him,(unfortunately a roommate who I knew too lived there and was home.) he was wearing only underwear. This was really good, I wanted to touch him so bad so, he had finished washing himself. (they had no running water so washed with a bowl) I said jump, meaning this would expose himself as otherwise the lower part of his body was behind a half door. I said go ahead. He did. I had to make it seen like I was kidding around because of the other guy. Afterwards he lay on his bed (only wood planks) while I set on the edge and the other guy to the other side of the bed against the wall to the next apt. Seeing his body with only underwear on was driving me nuts. I wanted to hold him so bad. I began to lightly move my fingers across his body slightly tickling him in a fashion that seemed acceptable and decent. He seemed to like that. . . But I dared not go further, I didn't want to be called a fag if word got out. I continued with good times over there and drinking was the mainstay of most military people and I liked that anyway and really enjoyed my life over there. I had close company with beautiful men.

I went to dance bars with other GI's and once trying to figure out this sexual identity while drinking and the other had found Thai women to get to sit on their laps I saw one out the window and they said tell her to come in, they basically got her in and on my lap. She was a very good looking woman, but it still felt awkward, I did try to be more sexual, but when it would have been the time for going to have sex, I made excuses.
I had seen transvestites over there and heard from a SGT. When he found his date was one he grab him there and got a hand full then left after hitting him. One once asked me to come with him as he passed by. Those were the real first gays I seen but I could not see having someone looking like a woman that really was a man.
It was easy to see that a very large number of straight married or engaged men were shacked up downtown. I knew many of these men and several were very good friends. Later this lesson would be very important in discussing sexual issues in my ministry.

God was working on me over there as I look back. My nature was to respect people and in this country where I was a guest, as our commanders told us, I never from any part of my being would speak against their culture. I was an atheist and Buddha was just as non-existent as God was to me. But one night at a carnival I had already drank enough to black out that night by the time I got there and remembered little of that night. Yet, I had totally sobered up to see myself respecting their culture kneeling at a large statue of Buddha and someone sprinkling holy water on me. Later, after I accepted Christ I did the usual rebuking the devil things Pentecostals do to clean up past encounters with anything real or perceived that was of satan or demons. It wasn't until much later that I realized God was there and woke me to see this and saying to me I am with you and know your heart even while unsaved. So when my year ended I had so many good memories and wondered ever so much more about my self and pretty much figured I was gay by then, but still thought of marrying someday, because that is what you are supposed to do and I wanted to have the average family life.
I tried very hard to contact my Thai Friends especially those two, but I just didn't have enough of an address and who knows. So they were wonderful memories. I still would do the best to look them up if I am ever over there, even after all this time. I occasionally go over my life reviewing my expectations and desires and up to now I still really had no reasons to have cares. In the Air Force was still like being a kid I guess, with little responsibilities. I had two more years and now stationed in Las Vegas.

This was just continued good times without cares, though I thought occasionally of my sexuality I just didn't care to much. Thailand though I talked in some detail was mostly one big party in a wonderful land full of little adventures and work was not bad either. I wasn't a very good soldier if you call saying "yes sir, and no sir" is soldiering. I had gotten an officer upset at me once or twice for not saluting. Never anything serious and I got great outstanding reports for my work. Though as the squadron commander watched me unload hundreds of trucks of bombs he report how good I was, yet I never had a license to drive the vehicles to do the unloading. There are many things I'd love to tell you about my service life, but that would take a book on its own. It just was that I hated being in the service but would never trade one day of it for anything in the world. I want my own life and the service controlled just about everything. Easy to party and have fun, but with no responsibility of choosing where to live and having to play this game of enlisted verses officers. Las Vegas was the perfect sitting for this time of my life even so. 1969 was very good in Las Vegas for Military. Well drinks $. 35 picture beer $. 75 at Circus Circus. Bars never close and parties 2 to 3 times a week at someone house who lived off base. I got my own apt. still was received for food, but had a chow card to. Paid to live off base. And for a over six months I just called in as I was night shift supervisor. I'd call from a bar to check if work was in. One time there was I went fairly drunk having to pick up a $300,000 practice nuclear bomb. I even got a Air Police escort across the flight line out to the bomb dump. No problems. I drove in my car in civilian clothes drunk to pick up a shipment too. It was a carefree time. Base parties where officers and enlisted men had beer parties on the flight line. I loved Lake Mead to, went fishing with friends a lot. Five hours from home so got to see my family often to.

More episodes dealing with my sexuality came up as my little group, a Georgia boy, who I though was very cute, very blond, but engaged, a Midwesterner who was into golfing, two others fun guys, and a black.. We were like peas in a pod. The town was our hang out and the lake was a get away from it all. We went snow skiing, and ice skating. We had an extended group of about 15 others friends which were more for parties than just being together like are smaller group. Not anyone not even the extended group were into drugs or evil or a conditions that could bring on a direction of some sort of abuse. Are worse sin was drinking. Then nobody cared. The police stopped us once while we were downtown drinking and driving and said he understood military people and so he won't do anything, but for us just to drive back to the base. We of course said yes, but went on drinking the town dry.

Our little click was driving and we past a gay bar. We have past it many times before, but this time one said lets stop in. I was a little nervous, but was well insulated with the guys. They never said a negative thing about gays. We just went in had some beers threw some nickels in the slots and was on our way. But I registered this in my mind. I was very interested in learning about gays. One night I went alone to that gay bar. I was numb because this was the first time I really was going to a gay place with to dealing with my feelings. I set at the counter and drank a truck driver sat next to me and talked to me. I sat and stared straight ahead. He was not my type, but this night I was dealing with something for the first time and even moving wasn't an option. I wanted something. At that time I didn't know what. He started touching my private parts while we sat there. I guess because I didn't respond or maybe it was this very overweight black saw what was happening and so came over and took over by talking to me. He was very friendly and easy going and I was getting drunker too so we talked. I can't remember what about, but he said there was another gay bar would I like to go. I said yes and we went. It was more like a casino than a bar. It seem fun enough, later he took me back to where my car was. We sat in his car. He reached out a fondled me, I just turned over to him and hugged him then said I must go. It had nothing to do with him, just that that was as far as I wanted to go. I was quite drunk by then and even spun my car out in the rain on the way home. The street was big and no cars and I hit nothing. I did go back once with friends and that guy was there. I ignored him. We never went back it just and I never did either there were plenty of things to do and this was done with. . .

A new man started working at the bomb dump, but was never anywhere that I could meet him, but I sure wished to. Everyday we'd all line up in formation before going to our assignments. He was a few people away. There were not many men I've seen that were very good sexually attractive to me, but he was and nothing brought us together.
Once at the NCO club a stripper was brought in so of course everyone had to go. Most got a big thrill and I knew how to go along with them, besides I still thought someday I'd marry and I haven't found any guy that was like me, except in the gay bar and my memory of that was there was nobody there of interest and if I got caught I'd be up the creek. So, I went along with these straights to see naked women. One occasion a group of us drove 500 miles one night stopping at the whore houses going north of Vegas. I went in one after the begging of others, one giving the $10. 00 price of a prostitute there. I said no and just waited for him to get done. Most of the time still had nothing to do with sex and I did continue enjoying science fiction and science fact. I actually learned considerable. I also picked up the notion of becoming a pilot during that last year as a goal after I got out. And it was great to get out, free at last. Life is full of lessons and schools with time commitments. Every so often you graduate on move on.

People seem to go their ways and only one I kept in contact for a while and also my high school buddy who after boot camp I never saw till I got out came back into my life on occasion. I moved in with my parents then with my younger sister getting a decent job close to her house after the service. At work I met a friend and we had some good times at some parties and once in a while my high school buddy would join us. I got my own apartment where my spiritual development really got moving. I was learning about ESP along the lines I considered science. My philosophy was well developed concerning Christians and others. I believed no one had advantage over anyone and if willing anyone could achieve any degree mental powers. My job was good, I even began flight lesson to become a commercial helicopter pilot and actually flew an airplane by myself several times. I had a good imagination and kind of wrote my own adventure stories not really ever concerned with publishing them.
I enjoyed drinking coffee at coffee shops with breakfast and that became a normal routine before work. My older sister and I tried out some ESP type powers lifting sofas a few feet off the ground with little more than touching the ends of the sofa. I also found a group called Rosicrusians which taught everyone had powers they can tap in the universe. I signed up and received a book each week for a year. I found I could do some interesting things. One being useful at work. I was a shipping and receiving clerk at a electric resale place and we got skids with could be a hundred boxes on it. Lots were different items and each must be checked against a purchase order. I hated this because it took quite awhile. However, I found I could close my eyes walk around stacks and hold my hand out and it would be drawn to the next item I needed to find. It worked very well. I also found I could use the same thing listening to songs I did not know the words too or the commentators words and say each word as it is song or spoken. This was not taught by the Rosicrusians but something I picked up. After a year of receiving material they changed and started offering coming to their headquarters and the books started saying you need to do rituals to get to ascended masters. I avoided these because there was no God and no body was superior to anyone.

Several things were going on during this first year out of USAF. I was dealing more with my sexuality, I was getting to a point with this Rosicrusian that effects what I believe (Roscrusians state you can control your environment including people) I know this is true. I did those things. It worked. Things happened, but never enough to actually change much in my life. Just little things. I also dabbled in astrology near a point of going deeper. It was really to complicated and I could never grasped how it seem to work. Once I sent in to get a reading not saying a thing about my life and it came back indicating my gay nature that was weird to say the least. I had some sort of spiritual experience which didn't seem connect to anything I had known. I was told several things concerning love and many other things I am not at ease to discuss or at liberty to speak on. Later, I found these exact words almost word for word in the Bible. Mainly that I can't go where Jesus is now, but one day I can. Jesus name was not use, he used a pronoun. I simply would not allow God in any form to try to say it him speaking. There was no god or God to me and so it was taping into it all which can at least some day be explained. However, he was all to real and personal. I also found a newspaper that listed a gay newpaper which I sent for and in it was a gay club which I called. What a dramatic thing this was for me. For the real first time I actively did something about a for myself and sexuality. The club's receptionist was very nice and talked awhile, but over all it would cost $200. 00 a year and that was out of the question for me. I was however esthetic over actually making that call. It was probably the best thing I did for my self. Now, I also found a gay bar along the beach listed. I decided to go. This was different than while in the USAF no threat of discharge and I was going really for the first time to really check out other gays. I did go that night. I went early not knowing that the crowds arrive late. This was perfect for my coming out to myself because what I saw when I got there release any doubt I had about being gay or that it was a sickness or perversion. If I was a Christian I'd say it was a born again experience, because that is the closest simular experience I can compare to it. There were four guys just have a good time and very friendly non-sexually. They were so comfortable together, so natural. I have no idea if they ever had sex together, but that wasn't the issue here it was others like myself very comfortable with who they are as gay people. I had a few hours to observe them before the crowds came. The bar tender was a neat guy and the name of the place was The Stables. So was very impressed to see there really are gays that are very natural being gay. In other words this alone all the condemnation of any Christian of gays falls into they just completely wrong. My love of the truth which started at age five said so loudly in my gut gay was not wrong or perverted but a very normal condition for gay people. I can't convince those that can't see that picture, but I knew then nothing was wrong with me.
More people came in and dancing started, but by that time I needed to go to the bathroom so bad that I left. I need privacy to go and the line was long. I wanted to stay because there were two I would like to meet, natured called and I left. Luckily a mile away I found a place, then I almost decided to go home figuring I'd be to shy to ask and I never fast danced before. I decided to go back. One of the men I liked did come to me and asked me to dance. I said no I didn't know how. Another man I thought was just gorgeous (American Indian which I didn't associate with Thais yet) seemed interested in me, but none of us moved. A black man saw this unspoken thing between us and he danced with him a few times and I felt I lost my chance, then the black guy came and asked me to dance. I said the same I don't know how. This black didn't care and said it doesn't matter nobody really cares and won't notice anyway. He was real good at convincing me to dance. I loved it. He said he notice the eye contact I had with "Ken" and why don't I ask him to dance. I said I was to shy. So he took the initiative and introduced us and so Ken and you two go dance. Till this day I know God sent this man to get Ken and me together. We dance the night away and I think fell in love that night. I didn't tell him he was my first. He came home with me that night and I had no trouble about what I should do or not do. I wasn't a bit awkward it was so natural together. We continued to see each other I he moved in with me within a couple of months. We were together ten years. We had the family I dreamed of even 3 kids. A boy and 2 girls as the mother couldn't be a good mom and finally gave them to us. I was so in love with that man. I thought it would last forever.

We loved camping together and often went to his mom's on the Indian reservation so I learned about the Indian culture too. Very interesting. We had much in common and loved dancing. We went to hundreds of gay dance bars and clubs and drank but not to get drunk. Once I had invited my school buddy over and ended up coming out to him. We all decided to drive to Mexico that night like usual drinking while driving. We stopped on the freeway near San Diego and got into some sexual things. My friend just curious and I didn't fully understand what was happening, maybe just him checking it out. I wasn't attracted to him anyway and I didn't thing it was a three way or that my lover was being unfaithful. I wasn't a Christian and didn't believe spiritual laws existed and this was this night's thing only. But when I saw my lover kissing him something I hadn't expected happened inside me that said this is wrong. It was quite powerful and I told them to stop they thought I was kidding I guess and I got very serious so much so that they did stop and we drove home and my friend left and I never saw him again. It was a first stress on our relationship and I learned something about human nature and jealousy and later I knew a spiritual law being broken. Our relationship never was the same but managed most the time pretty well, but I caught him with someone else once which made it worse.

I decided to leave and moved in with my parents. I thought I had broken away from him and from the growing arguments after these unfaith acts. Thinking I was free I had gotten a job while living back at home. My parents went on a month's vacation. While working (rent a car place) across the street was this blond the kind I liked and he sat there waiting who knows why. I though I'd take a chance to meet him so I went outside and hung around seeing if he'd come over since I like the other person to first ask me. The poor sales clerk had no idea what was going on. This guy staring at the shop now for a couple of days. He couldn't know he was looking at me and me him especially like for a date. Straights can very publicly meet with out concern, but gays must be careful. Out side a gay bar at that time was a risk to meet someone. The guy finally cross the street to a phone booth. The clerk said he was about to call the police. I told him wait I will go see what's going on. I knew very well what was going on. So I went over to him some what nervous not wanting any rejection, he was so cute I wanted to get to know him. He was pretending to be using the pay phone and when he saw me we started talking. He was interested in me and he said that spot was a lucky spot for him across the street. He said he's wait till I was off work and come home with me. I was very excited still thinking it was over with Ken. I explained to the clerk there was no problem with that guy and all very innocent. It was really nice with him that night we talked a lot. We did end up in bed, then later my Dog (My brother's dog had pups and Ken and I got one we named after the bar we met at "Stables") began barking. I understood what Stables was saying. He was saying Ken was driving up the street and was maybe two blocks away. I told the guy and we quickly dressed just in time that Ken drove in the drive way. Dogs can be remarkable if you listen. I couldn't believe Ken drove all the way over to visit me and it was difficult to explain the guy with me. But after that we all went out to eat dropping the guy near his home.

Ken kept returning and we got back together. It wasn't much better and so I said I would move to Northern California to get a job and later he could move up there. Thinking if he did it may be better or he won't and I could start over. By this time God really was doing a number on me. This began just before I got back together with Ken. I hitched a ride to work one day and when let out he said "God Bless you" I was at the point where I figured Christians though wrong and had no idea what process was taking place when they prayed or God Blessed someone, that a force generally good can come of it and so I wouldn't so much care about the wrongness of their belief, but the fact that something in their accumulative brain power could manifest change and since they wished good good could come from it. I traced this blessing on me directly to a much more direct path to God. I drove North. The spiritual or cosmos thing which was ever so personal never left me, never was bad to me, never offended me, never went against what I believed, always their day or night never tiring of me. Mostly listened to me. Much more too. A radio station faded in and out then very strong. I wanted to shut it off because it was Christian and a guy was giving details of his relationship with Jesus Christ. I hated it, but it drew me the more so. What he was saying was Jesus was ever so personal, never leaving , there night and day, never tiring of him. And on and on. It was what I have been experiencing for nearly three years. On and on he went describing the very experiences I had. I was uncanny. How can this be. It shocked me so much. Because this meant it was Jesus all the time. I just could not accept this. I believe there was no God. I knew if I ask he would say he was Jesus. I told not to under any condition. On and on the radio man said Jesus inside talking to him so personal so good, never against, always patient, I could not handle it I saw it word for word time and again. The personality matched exactly to a tee. I was very shaken my life turning upside at 65 MPH going North a 100 miles from anywhere. I knew it was true and hated it, but loved it at the same time. Finally, that guy was done and the station faded away. I drove on in shock. It ruined my life as I had known it. Finally I saw there was but one choice since I loved truth beyond all things. I said Current as you know I believe there is no God beyond a shadow of a doubt. But because I seek truth in all things the if you are truth them I will accept you completely for truth is what I seek.

I continued to my destination and looked for work. It was not as easy as expected. I had a brand new 1974 Grand Torino Sport which I bought in 73'. It was December of 73'. I slept in the car and budgeted money as I had little. No job came. I stayed more quite on the issue of God and had this new experience of being homeless as it were, though I could go home anytime so it wasn't a big issue. Finally, I got to where I had to go home as there was barely enough gas money to get home. I stayed in Sacramento a couple days at the Salvation army. They asked me to park the new car by the offices because it didn't look right to have a new car and sleep free for 2 nights there. I tried even looking for work in that city still hoping to break free of Ken. I had to give blood to get the last tank of gas to get home.
A transsexual friend of Ken's had recently gotten saved and when we visit him (her) she began telling us about Bible Prophecies. This was up my alley, not the God part, so it was interesting . Anything on telling of future things was interesting to me. She invited us to a Kathryn Coolman meeting. I really wanted to see healings to test if its fake or real or my accumulative agreement of brains making people get healed. While waiting a usher came out and said all seat were full but God can make more room. Well no more room, too many in front of us. So we went back to her place.

She had invitations to Amazing Prophecies and it also could have healings and other manifestation. So we went. I wanted a close look see if anything would happen to judge it faked or real and hear anything that can add to my knowledge of future events as well as past events. It was indeed interesting what was said, not much in the way of Jesus and that was not why I came anyway so I just figured I wouldn't see anything this time. There is always next time. But I didn't know it was Christian procedure to invite people to accept Christ at the end of a meeting. He just said anyone that would like him to pray them please raise your hand everyone having their eyes closed. I thought hey anyway they are wrong, but accumulative prayer may just move things to a better conditions in my life. I was certainly looking for something. So I raised my hand in honesty to received what ever good that may come of it. That wasn't good enough for him, he now said those with raised hand please stand. Well, so what I can do that much to. I am willing to see if power to change things for the could can come of it. But, then he said come up front. What can I do I just need to take one step I was already in the first row dead center so I would not miss a thing.

He now played dirty ( not really) he told in less than five minutes the story of why Jesus came 2000 years ago. He came to die for me. To die in my place. I deserve to die, he first loved me. And then rose to Heaven on the 3rd day. We can accept his work on the cross by recognizing we have sinned. No one had to tell me I was a sinner, and here a way out. He said with all eyes closed, mine were pray after me. As he told use to say Jesus I believe you are the Son of God died on the cross for my sin, rose the 3rd day forgive me of my sins. Which I did whole heartedly. I even considered my lover sitting behind me. I put him on that alter saying if gay really is sin I commit all this to you. Show the truth. Tears flooded that area as I cried like a baby and so did the other hundred that came forward. As I prayed Doug walked over to me I assumed because his voice came over and stopped right above me. I saw all white with my eyes closed. When he had finished I opened my eyes. Doug had never left the left side of the stage. We were taken backstage by counselors and told how good God is and what to expect in the coming days and years as Christians. They gave their testimonies and the Book of John to us. It all a daze the room was white like in a cloud. When I came back out to my lover and friend they greeted me with smile and the transsexual said welcome home, it was wonderful. I read the Book of John quickly and cried thru it all it was so good. This was about one month after I had asked God to show me the truth "is He real?" It was January 27, 1974 at 9:30 PM when I accept Jesus as Lord and Savior. Now I had finished the Book the next day and was starving for more. I had no money anywhere and could not expect Ken to give me any, but I wanted a Bible so bad and had no idea where to get one. I prayed to God in Jesus name explaining I have come up with $4.58 and can only think of K-Mart knowing they had a book section. Church never crossed my mind. I went to K-Mart and found a KJV Bible for including tax $4.57. This was my first miracle in answered direct prayer. I began spending a lot of time reading the Bible and Christian book stores reading everything I could. Ken knew about Assemblies of God and we began attending one where I almost never missed any service or workshop or special guest speaker.

This has been a first rough draft bring you to when I accepted Jesus. I will be smoothing out the above and continuing with my walk as a Christian. This won't be uploaded to this page for around a month of (" Began writing Saturday, October 18, 1997").
I believed Jesus never left me when I left him at age 5 and that he was very close and became personal nearly 3 years before I accepted him as Savior I will go into details of this in the update along with my experiences with other Christians and Pastors up until I came out to my pastor in 1985, then as my ministry begin till present. I name my ministry after my dog named Stables as it also represented where is began 2000 years ago. Let me tell you this. You can believe what you will but "Gay is not Sin and Jesus is not asking the gay person to change and be straight.

To be continued later. . . . .
In Christ Jesus

Currently I have no freed up funds to go anywhere that is not much more than an hour’s drive from home. I have been to several countries (Thailand, Philippines, Okinawa, Japan, Canada, Mexico, Taiwan, Germany, France, and Amsterdam). These was military assignments, vacations, day’s trip, or to pick up a car. None had any ministry involvement other than my trip to Germany and Taiwan I did shoot some TV programs using them as a backdrop. Most visits were before I was SAVED. Generally I thought doing my little weekly TV programs and internet chatting was about all I could do because family, work, money, or stupidity on how to do anything that would actually get people to a meeting let alone have a place to meet. This began to change about 4 years ago.

My message generally has been on very controversial topics, but through these many years on weekly TV (since 1985) and my keen interests on many topics of the Bible since 1974 and up to present God’s continual call on my heart to reach the world, see my
testimony, has given much to tell people about on all areas of the Bible.

For now I will list the general areas ministers, pastors, and others have been praying to God for me to come to their city to preach. All of these see that God will do wonderful things and Save many people many healed and they tell me adamantly they can gather often enough 10,000 people to hear me preach.

This has been mostly from a part of the world I never had any real interest in or any desire to go to so I originally discounted them as nice and thank you, good thoughts and here is a prayer or two and go about my business on one on one ministering online and preaching my weekly TV programs. Sure it was interesting to think someone actually would want me to go preach and expecting God to move, but it did not seem to match my situation or “my favorite country” list. It seemed weird that here in the USA and my home city Seattle that I can’t even get a peep from anyone that would invite me to preach, though I know that God would heal and Save many and move in ways they could not imagine. God through Jesus has shown me many things and what he will do very soon, I know in my heart these things and I know people need to here them. But in the USA if the word gay is there then it does not seem to matter that GOD called you or not. They would rather die and be given over to antichrist than to hear from a gay person. Even the many gay churches remain silent and they have such a calling, but they remain in dormant mode. I see the spark that will catch them afire for Christ and I see the purpose in the Body of Christ for gays. So, I remained skeptical on ever doing more than saying my piece on TV each week. Also, many really good people all over the world but huge numbers of homophobic people (homophobe to me means someone that does not study what their mouths speak on the gay topic, so never can explain why they say what they say).

But a few years ago something began to change. Probably started with 911 (a date that I say began the snowball effect that will takes us to antichrist kingdom in operation). Suddenly people from several Muslim countries began popping up in chat to me. I use to get mostly homophobes or people that are interested in last days events or gays wanting to know what the Bible says about gays. Ever since 1985 I probably had over 700,000 people come to me one line or via TV programs to talk one on one over these years. Often I can have 10 private chat windows going on many Bible issues and in Christian chat rooms often I am the talk of the room and have quite the ministry to these people.

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